I Never Wanted to be Taken, but Now I'm Feeling so Left Out
by still2young2care
Summary: Episode tag to 1x21. After meeting Laurel, Felicity is forced to face her ever growing, and ever complicated, feelings for Oliver.


"_You're Laurel, right? That Laurel…gorgeous Laurel."_

'Why does she have to be so damn stunning?' That was pretty much all I could think at first. Hence, the word vomit. And, yes, I realize I have no shot with Oliver, and it's not like I really want one either…much…I don't know…maybe? It's all so confusing. I blame the shirtless…everything he's always doing.

I mean, he's undeniably beautiful, like a marble statue come to life with those abs and that jaw – that face really, with those eyes and that mouth. And don't even get me started on his ass. My god, he's unreal! But he's also damaged – so very damaged – and possibly sociopathic. The jury's still out on that one. And yet, he's also trying to fix what's broken in this city. What his family helped break. He's genuinely trying to do what he thinks is right – albeit in a really disturbing way. And he can be surprisingly protective of those he feels are in his care – even if, usually, that protection ends with an arrow in some bad guy's chest.

Like I said, confusing.

And, it's not like I didn't know who Laurel Lance was long before I started working with Oliver. It's hard to live in Starling City and not know of her. She's the most high-profile _pro bono_ attorney in the state. Plus, ever since it became clear that Oliver still cared about her, I did a little extra-curricular digging – nothing too invasive, police record, school transcripts, DMV file, that sort of thing – just to see what all the fuss was about. No surprise, she's clean as a whistle. The sainted Ms. Lance didn't even have any bad grades or parking tickets with which I could console myself.

But even after all that…I don't know. I never really thought about it. How I would feel meeting her. Seeing her on my turf. 'Cause, I might as well face it, that's what the Hood-world is. Mine. Just as much as it is Oliver and Dig's. It was really rather naïve of me to ever think I could just walk away. No doubt, even now that we've found Walter, I'm going to stay on. Saving the world isn't something you just stop doing.

But even if I had thought about it, I doubt I would have ever suspected that I'd feel like this. It's not jealousy. Not really. At least, I don't think it is. It's more…..inadequacy? No, that's not it either. It's just…doing what Oliver, Diggle and I do it's easy to become insulated. To feel like we're the only ones in the world. Other people sort of become….abstractions. You start getting comfortable with things being a certain way. You start to feel like maybe these boys that share in this huge part of your life that no one else knows about might just be….family. You start thinking that maybe, just maybe, you're as important to them as they and their mission have so quickly become to you. Then you meet the real girlfriend and all of that goes out the window.

That sounds like jealousy, doesn't it? And I guess maybe it is – just not necessarily romantic jealousy. Like I said, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about Oliver. I can't be jealous of his epic love for another woman when I'm not even sure I want to be with him in the first place…can I? Ugh! Feelings are the worst. The Vulcans totally had the right idea, I'm telling you. But, no, it's not romantic. It's more…jealousy about how solidly she fits into his life?

If Oliver or Diggle ever find out about this, I will deny it to my last breath, but I kind of get a kick out of being the only woman in their super secret club. It's not the most girl power thought, but it makes me feel special. Like, I have my own personal superheroes on speed dial. But I don't. Not really. Not like that. I'm not The Girl. I'm the plucky sidekick. I'd say that I'm the gal Friday, comic book version of Pepper Potts, not the super hot, love interest, movie version, but comic book Pepper ends up with Happy, and Dig and me dating is just all kinds of wrong.

The point I'm trying to make is, as easy as it is for me to believe otherwise when we're wrapped up in our bad guy chasing, when I was face to face with Laurel and saw the way Oliver looked at her, I was left feeling pretty un-special. I know, or I think I know, that he will always look out for me, but he doesn't pine after me. He's not going to risk it all to watch over me, like he did for her. And that's really ok. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. What's not ok is the thought that realization left me with. The 'do I really matter to him or am I just a convenient brain?' thought. I've been ignoring that thought for a while now. How quickly and forcefully it hit me in that moment caught me off guard.

I think that's why I was so adamant about going undercover in that casino. Yes, Oliver really did need me to, but I needed me to, also. To prove that I could be useful outside the lair. To prove that I was valuable for more than just my tech savvy.

Sure, I'm not as pretty or perfect as Laurel. And yes, I _constantly _say the wrong thing and totally embarrass myself and everyone else. And, no, I'm probably not going to be the one the Oliver rides off with in the end, but I can do this. I can help him with his mission. I can help him clean up the city. I can keep his secrets and be the friend he'll never admit he really needs. I'll be a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on. If he would ever let anyone see him cry, that is. And if that's all I'll ever be, then that's going to have to be enough. But, isn't being the one he trusts better than just being The Girl, anyway?

-30-

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**Hi. I'm new. This may not be the best fic with which to introduce myself, I'm much more of an Olicity shipper than it would suggest, but the idea of Felicity freaking out a little after meeting Laurel…it wouldn't let me go. Maybe now that it's out of my system, I can write something more romantic. I figured Felicity's thoughts wouldn't exactly be the most linear, so I tried to reflect that, but I may have gone too far? I think it might be a little too disjointed and unclear. I'm sorry if that's the case. These characters are hard to get a hold of, though.**


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